From the widow's sister:
In my heart of hearts I do not believe there is any way to help her. Over my lifetime I have tried everything. Nothing has ever made a difference. She does her life the way she wants to do her life. If someone can help her I will be grateful.
I guess I was naive to think that the widow's sister could just swoop in and help the widow. Instead of going over to check on her, the sister called her on the phone first. Their short phone conversation ended with the widow abruptly hanging up. I was told that the widow felt 'judged'.
There is something called conservatorship, I think it is, whereby someone is placed in the care of another for, in this case, getting their medical needs met. The widow is not yet far gone enough to be placed in such in arrangement. It's rather grim to think that one just wait until a person is sort of suitably deteriorated before legally being able to obtain help for that person.
The people with whom the widow willingly has contact:
My brother
My brother's dippy ex-girlfriend
My cousin
One of my uncles (an uncle, might I add, from whom she and my father were estranged while dad was alive)
The people from the above group whom the widow will see in person:
My brother and his dippy ex-gf
The widow's son, as it turns out, is already dealing with his father's precarious health issues. It may be he that doesn't have the energy to muster up for the situation with his mother.
I have been involved in two drug interventions in my life. One of them was successful and led to a loved one getting clean. The other was a failure and led to the loved one cutting off contact. I wonder if a medical intervention could be done in the case of the widow? Given that she likes and trusts very few people, it would probably be more stressful for her than it is worth. Even so, I would participate. The widow is a very suspicious person, so I would imagine that she could have a very negative reaction to being confronted, however gently.
I guess we'll have to wait and see how her health issues progress before anything can be done.
That is such a sad situation. You want to help, but you can't help. Perhaps it is for the best to leave her to her own devices until such a time as she's ready to ask for help. Not ideal, but maybe the best you can do.
ReplyDeleteThis would seem to be the best course of action.
DeleteSadly my own experience with my mother leads me to think that you are unable to help - until she wants the assistance. Which is heartbreaking. We tried a range of different methods and the only one which worked to keep her dry was when she was hospitalised for nine months after her stroke. The day she came home she was on the phone ordering more booze.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. The reality is that she may never accept help regardless of her very present physical pain.
ReplyDeleteThat is so sad.
ReplyDeleteQuite.
DeleteCigarettes, booze, groceries delivered and a house cleaner once a week--she may be perfectly happy, by her standards. Has anyone asked the house cleaner?
ReplyDeleteGood question. All I know is that the widow pops a pain pill & retreats to the bedroom when the cleaner arrives. I would agree that she may be content to be left alone, but (as evidenced by her pulling out a few of her own teeth), she also might need a proper going-over by an MD.
DeleteJust keep doing your best, you can't do any more. And look after yourself: you won't be fit to help when eventually called for if you don't do that.
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely true. Thank you for the reminder.
Deleteseconded...look after yourself...you can't pour from an empty cup.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you can do except be there when needed and wanted, which can be difficult
Well said. And thank you.
DeleteSounds like there’s little you can do and might best be left to her son. Issues can become very complicated sounds like.
ReplyDeleteShe's not inclined to let anyone in to see her save for people whom see doesn't deem to be threatening. My brother and his friend may have the best chances of aiding her in some way, to be honest.
DeleteYou're certainly correct, Joared, this situation is rather complicated.