Fractured family

The death of a parent can unearth some long-held family secrets, or at the very least untangle confusing family stories. My siblings' mother, whom I'll call 'B.', recently died. In the weeks leading up to her death, she sought to unburden her conscience. Esophageal issues meant that she had had a hard time articulating herself, but managed to share with my brother that she'd been 'too immature' in her marriage to our father. Given that she was only 19 and dad just 21 when they married, that tracks. My brother thought that what she was trying to say was that she'd been unfaithful. I didn't believe it. When would a young mother with two, small children to mind have time to cheat? It turns out that I was being naive.

In speaking with my mother recently, our father's second wife & the woman who raised my siblings, I shared with her how things have been going for my siblings since their mom's death. I mentioned what my brother had speculated re: marital infidelity. Mom said, 'Oh, yes, your father told me that B. had run off with a married man who had also had children.' 

So B. hadn't been ready for marriage and she wanted to have fun. I can't blame a young person for wanting to have a good time. I can also understand how many women of that generation felt like the only way of getting out from under the thumb of controlling parents (in her case, an overbearing father) was through marriage. It's certainly too bad that B. couldn't have sowed her oats prior to having children. But of course, the expectation, too, at that time was that women were to marry, then in fairly short order become mothers. This would seem to have been especially true in the working-class world of their youth. 

Even thought the affair didn't last, dad sought out divorce. My siblings' mother was awarded custody of the children, not an uncommon judgement in the mid-1960s. Sadly, not only was B.'too immature' for marriage, but she was also not ready to be a parent, let alone a single one. This fact led to some unfortunate occurrences which showed B. in a very unfavorable light and dad was able to successfully petition the court for child custody.

Growing up, we three kids knew the story of how dad 'got the kids'. What we didn't know until recently was why his first marriage dissolved. Did my sibs never ask? I certainly didn't as it was not any of my business. I'm sure in trying to build an adult relationship with their mother over these past nearly 40 years, they probably felt like they didn't want to 'rock the boat' by asking about painful subjects tucked away. The waters certainly would have become choppy had they done so, and I would imagine that my siblings could not risk destabilizing an already delicate relationship.